I'll never forget how low I felt the day Jeff and I learned he was no longer fertile. I'll never forget how low I watched him sink. The depression we both felt was so heavy. being diagnosed as sterile is not something you expect to hear after having had 3 children...easily. We felt lost for a while in a dark, lonely ocean of questions and confusion.
It was early summer 2012. We had been trying for a baby for nearly a year. Before that we had been trying NOT to have a baby. But this time around, things weren't working and we both knew we needed to take the next step. We had to go to the Dr.
After many tests for the both of us, we learned that the hernia surgery Jeff had in Dec. of 2010 left him with scar tissue resulting in his infertily.
We both struggled with our feelings of utter devastation. Such unexpected, and awful news! These feelings coupled with our immense gratitude for the three boys we already had made it difficult to accept. The inner termoil was unbearable. It didn't feel right to feel such sadness, when at the same time we knew we were still so blessed.
Together we decided to research some infertility clinics and procedures. I personally wanted to find a way, or at least know for certain that we had tried everything in our power before giving up and moving on.
Seven months after our devastating news we began the In-vitro fertilization process at the University of Utah. We were blessed to have a successful cycle on our first try and now have fraternal baby boy twins!!
Henry and Charles are 2 months old now! They are healthy and happy and just the perfect fit in our family! In fact, I know I loved them and lnew them before they were even born. There is just such a special connection we have. I can't even explain it.
For me to be here now...in this wonderful blissful, sleepless, predicament...with twin baby boys!!! you just can't imagine how lucky I feel, how blessed I know I am, how amazed I am at these precious little humans that are mine.
As difficult as motherhood can be, I wouldn't trade it for the world!
I have relaxed so much in my parenting since having my first baby. Rather than get worked up over having everything under control, and trying to do too many things, I find more joy in the little things. I try to have a positive perspective, and a healthy sense of humor. I mean let's be honest, kids can be dang funny!!
There are times when it's just pure survival... times when it feels like I'm just going through the motions, making it through the day, or biding my time until Jeff gets home to help me, or Calvin or Ben (they're such good little helpers). Those are the times when I have to remind myself to take a step back and find the joy in it all. My mom used to say that (when she was short on sleep and even shorter on patience) she felt like a wounded animal, and "once you're down like that everyone will prey upon you".
So, I try not to let myself be the "wounded animal" or get overcome by my five feeding-frenzied fellas.
I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. I can live with some pizza delivery, I can manage without a sparkling clean kitchen. The piles of laundry will get done eventually. Heck- people probably think I'm raising a bunch of super heroes over here with the way my kids go about the neighborhood in costumes more than regular clothes! And some of the outfits they choose to wear to school??!!! Yeah, I've become that mom. The mom who lets her 2nd grader wear all camouflage from head to toe. I'm the mom whose 3 year old proudly exclaims, "it's opposite day mom!" as he runs around with his pants and shirt on backwards...the-whole-entire-day! And I'm the mom who might not even get herself dressed in "real" clothes but would rather lounge in pajama pants or her pink robe all day!
All that being said, I couldn't do any of this child rearing without my family and friends -and I have the best of both!
Friends who come clean my bathrooms and mop my floors when I'm on bed rest and long after I'm home from the hospital. Friends who take my little 3 year old who was used to having all of his mama's attention to come over and play and have fun. Friends who bring me meals and shop for groceries, and stop to visit and admire my cute little ones. Friends who smile and send a thoughtful text message. A husband who brings home the "bacon" and the dinner! A sister who comes all the way up to highlight my hair. A mom and little sis who cant wait to get their hands on some nakey babies and give them baths. It's a night out knowing that the babies are fine. It's hand-me-down baby clothes when you're in need. Its the diaper doorbell ditching that the whole family gets excited over!
Most of all it's the encouraging message they're all sending that says, "you've got this mama, you can do it." It's really the little things that count.
So bring on the boogie noses, the stinky diapers, the sibling sword fights and colicky late nights. Bring on the Legos, the broken crayons and the bunk bed forts. Bring on the cardboard box that's the favorite gift of all. Bring on the stretch marks and the sore unmentionable parts, the sea of toys and riptide of dishes! This mama is going to "hang ten"!
It's all so worth it!
I love being a mom! What a special gift I've been given this year, and for the rest of my life.
Merry Christmas!
No comments:
Post a Comment