The most saddest news

After going in to Dr. McCullouch for my 14 week baby check up, things were looking great! She did an ultrasound and I got to see our sweet baby...hear the little heartbeat 171...everything looked great. Good blood flow, good placenta, good cord, cutest babe...baby did measure 13 weeks 5 days, so a little small for my babies, but maybe it was a little girl? So fun and such a blessing to have this baby for this long... 

It wasn't too long after this appointment that diverging went wrong. Something happened... I think I felt some tiny movements, even around week 16? But this is the time when it's just a little flutter, and not too prevalent. It crossed my mind more than once that this is a really quiet baby...I think maybe even sub-consciously I might have known something was amiss? I didn't feel like my belly was growing as much as it should either...and aside from feeling the normal pregnancy symptoms,  I felt extra tired and lazy. Usually I perk right up after the first trimester... I really thought things are fine though..

I went in to Dr Mcculloch on July 18th  for my regular almost 18 week check. It was supposed to be really quick and easy. Listen to the heartbeat, get my weight and blood pressure, and off I go. It was the following week I was excited for! We were planning to find out what we were having the day after Ben's Birthday! We were all super excited!! Then we wee going to announce it to our families! So, back to my July 18th appointment..a study PA came in to find the heartbeat and after trying for a while with no luck, Dr Mcculloch said to come into the ultrasound room and I could even find out what we were having!! I was so excited!! A secret all to myself, although I knew Jeff wanted to be there with me.

As soon as Dr M started scanning over my belly I saw my cute little baby bean. So tiny and all curled up. Kind of looked like a girl because (her) legs were up by her face and there wasn't anything in between!? Hard to tell for sure though.. However, after a few seconds, I noticed no movement whatsoever, and no heartbeat. :( Dr M put on the blood flow. Infrared light and there was nothing.  I was in shock, disbelief, and once it all registered...I started to cry...tears just dreaming down my face...why didn't I let Jeff come with me? What happened to my baby!??? Little baby bean only measured 13 weeks 5 days...Dr said it probably shriveled up a little bit too, so it could have been further along, but who knows? I racked my brain for what activities or things I might have five to cause this, I couldn't think of anything?? Then? As if she was reading my mind, Dr M said, there's nothing I could have done, it wasn't my fault, and it's possible it was an umbilical accident...everything else looked so good...she then explained that she would have to do a D&C in two days, it was a surgery in the OR, and I would have some cramping and bleeding, and this was as far along as she would dare do one, otherwise I would have to deliver the dead baby in labor and delivery!! I really feel like she soared me by doing the d&c! Iy would have been hard to deal with a miscarriage at home too, so I felt really thankful for the circumstances...tiny tender mercies...in such a difficult time.

.she left me and said I could take as long as I needed. I kind of stood in the dark room for a few minutes, looking at the blank screen, the bed, the monitor...just taking but all in...would this be my last chance? It was such a happy place for me, and now soooo very sad and heavy... When I came out I was still tearing up, I just can't keep it together!!! The nice nurse Becky was there in the hallway and she she gave me the biggest hug...the lady who makes appointments came out of her office too and gave me a big hug. They were so very nice! It made me cry even more! They showed me the back door exit so I didn't have to go out in front of all the office waiting room people. 

I bawled the whole way home, I didn't want to tell him the bad news, but I couldn't wait to get home to Jeff. As soon as he opened the front door I was in uncontrollable tears...he was shocked, he held me and as I sputtered out the words, he started to cry too, he sat on the stairs and cried...we both cried and cried..

We talked about the surgery coming up and what we would do with the kids, and how we would need to tell my mom so they could help us...then we went to get the kids from my mom's so we could tell them...

Tommy was so cute, he said,"you mean I'm not going to have any more babies?!!?!" Cal and Ben both cried too, but I think they were more worried about me. They are the sweetest boys ever!! We got some dinner and headed home. I made Jeff call the bishop because the night before,(Sunday evening after church) he stopped by to visit us and talk about me being the young women's president. I divulged our baby secret to him, and told him he was the only person who knew! He's so nice. 

So I made Jeff call him so word wouldn't get out that I was pregnant, then that I had lost the baby... 

I ended up sending my mom a text the next day, because I didn't think I could keep it together...then she called me and I cried and she cried...then I called Em, and cried some more. 

I really have the best sisters and family. I don't know what I would do without them! 

I kept myself busy cleaning house and mom and Hailey came over to help. They took the boys for a little while and we planned how we would handle the next day, surgery day. 

Jeff and I went out to dinner alone at Feedricos to talk and have some time together. 

The bishop stopped by that evening and brought flowers and a card. He said he and his wife had been through this a few times! He was very understanding and thoughtful. I really feel like Heavenly Father is aware of me and in the smallest details He is lifting me up. 

Jeff worked all day and brought me find flowers on his way home. He is so good to me. 

Surgery went very well. They thought id be done in 20 minutes, but ended up being over an hour because the pkcenta was so big! I lost a lot of blood, about a liter, but all was well. It was done. No more baby, no more dead baby. :( kind of sad...but also feeling so blessed and thankful more than ever for my fabulous 5 boys! My heart aches, but my heart is full. I have much to be thankful for and blessings beyond belief! 

May the 4th be with you!

So today, Star Wars Day, we found out we are having a baby!!! 1 cute little bambino baby!! I am so relieved! So excited! And feel soooo thankful!!! I can't even wait until December!!! For our little Christmas babe!! I am 7 weeks along.  When I heard the little heart beat my tears welled up and I just feel so much love for this little sweetheart! Boy or girl??? It doesn't matter to me!! The little beat was 133.5. A good healthy rythymn. :) 

We went out to the car after and told the brothers and they were so very excited!! They could just feel the happiness and joy in the atmosphere! It was great! 

We spent the afternoon at IKEA and got a crib and some storage bins and a couple new beds for Cal and Ben. I'm so glad Jeff is as excited as I am. He's been so sweet and motivated, and hardworking, and already doting on me. I swear I could have a dozen children! But I guess half a dozen will do! Haha. It was a great day!! 

School News!!

So we got some exciting news regarding schooling for Jeff!! We applied for his Masters in Nursing!! And he got accepted!! :) -leadership/executive track! It will be two years, but I think very worth it! I'm excited for him! Nursing has been a great career for him and our family! This will give him more leadership opportunities, chances for promotions, better pay, and even opens doors for teaching down the road. It will add some stress to our lives, some financial burden, and time commitment for hours for class and study (even though it's all online). But we both prayed about it and felt like now is the time! He starts with an advanced writing class this summer, and coursework this fall! 

We also got exciting news for Tommy!! I signed him up on a waiting just to get into a dual language immersion program. My first choice was chinesse, because it will be taught at Hyde Park Elementary in 2 years. However, Tommys number came up and he got accepted in the Portuguese program at Sunrise  Elementary!  It will mean me driving him to school, but I can probably get in a carpool and I feel like it's just too great of an opportunity for him to miss!

So here we come school!!  

Tomorrow is ultrasound day!!!

I haven't written for a couple weeks, I don't really know what to say!? Waiting for my ultrasound appointment is the next step and it feels like time is moving so slowly! Course it always does when I'm anxious for something! I am still taking a half a pill of estrace morning and night, and progesterone in oil shots nightly. Those hurt so bad!! Bruises all over my bum! May 25th is my last day of those!!! I can't wait!! Then it's hopefully smooth sailing on out! ;) 

Life is so good to us right now! I feel so very blessed!! I love our home and all the projects we are working on! The yard is a big one right now! We've been working to get out trampoline in the ground and finally got it! 

Then it's the pump house for our sprinkler system.

Jeff rented a back-hoe to do most of the digging, but there was still a lot of intensive manual labor involved! We are making it so we can use water from the canal to water our lawn. We have a few water shares, which is so nice because our yard is pretty big! 

Wecarecfoungvall of our yard ourselves, it's a big job, but we know how to do it and can get it done! Cal and Ben have been great helpers too! I've been careful not to dig or lift too heavy rocks, and have been taking it pretty easy. I wish I could do more, I like yard work, but I like watching the boys in too! 

The little twinners were pretty cute and I caught a picture of them out picking dandelions this morning. They're best friends most of the time! 

2nd blood draw results

I just got the call! My results were 353! A good strong, more than doubled number! I'm thinking it's not high enough for triplets, maybe for twins...but most likely a good strong singleton! How fun will that be??!!! :) I'm so happy!!! I can't wait for the ultrasound the first week of May!! :) 

The BEST News!!!

Today is Saturday, April 16th. 12 days following a 5 day transfer. We all drove down to Salt Lake this morning for my blood draw and beta numbers. And just before noon(on our way home) the nurse called me with the best news!!!! I'm pregnant!! My number was 169.1. So a good strong number! She said they are looking for anything above 100. Last time my number was 175. So I guess it's possible that we could be having twins again!! I would LOVE that!!! :) I'm feeling pretty good overall. I tire easily, I feel a bit picky, I snap at a moments notice, I haven't been to teary, just mostly mad. Lol! 

I'm making dinner for our neighbors tonight. Poor thing has strep for the 4th or 5th time this year! I made a big batch of Zuppa Toscana (Olive Garden Restaurant copycat) and some breadsticks, salad, and brownies. Not bad huh? 

I'm excited to watch Calvin and Ben play in their soccer games tonight and then take a nice long nap! :) 

Oh baby!!!! Baby!!!! 🍼

A positive test!

I've been on a MAJOR hormonal/emotional roller coaster! I've taken all 4 dollar store pregnancy tests and all 3 have been bfn (big fat negative)   :(  it's left me a bit sad and almost depressed, except that I know it's too early to really expect a positive one. Today is Thursday, April 14th. 9 days following a five day transfer. And today I got a bfp!! Big Fat Positive!!! The line is very faint, but it's there!!! 😳😭😍

I'm so happy, with some reservation still, but sooooo soooo happy!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I go in on Saturday for my blood draw and that will be a sure test of my beta to determine pregnancy. 

Some of my symptoms include slight waves of nausea, exhaustion, anger, rage, love, impatience, hunger, no appetite, etc. 

This two week wait is for the birds

I'm only day 3 post five day transfer, and man! I'm feeling impatient! My hormones have been crazy! Just ask Jeff! Haha ;) I am feeling different, and some pregnancy symptoms, like ligament pain, pressure, tiredness, hunger, excitement and anticipation!! I go in on the 16th for my bets blood draw. The tell all!!! I'm praying every second for success!! I have not been bed resting, I've been up doing everything I normally do. Hope that ok! I feel optimistic and baby hungry!!!! 💜💙💜💙💜💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙

The 2 Week Wait

Well, here we are!! We did it!! We snuck down to the lab in Salt Lake on Monday morning April 4th 2016. We asked Jeffs mom to watch kids while we attended a "Health Conference" haha, almost truth! 

 I was so very nervous! It all just had me on pins and needles!  On one hand I'm picturing a beautiful new baby in my arms, and the next I'm panicked thinking what if they don't survive the thaw??? What if only one does? What if all three do??  Would they call us and let us know? When we pulled in and parked our car, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't asked Jeff to give me a blessing!!!  He blessed me right there in the car, with his hands in my head. It was wonderful. He blessed me that Heavenly Fathers will may be done. He blessed me that if there were more spirits in Heaven for our family then they would come to us. I felt at peace and at ease. 

I was supposed to arrive with a full bladder, but we got there about 25 min. early so I decided to use the bathroom. I had been drinking lots of water on the way so I wasn't worried about being on empty. ;)  I checked in and we quietly waited in the waiting room. I watched as other women or couples came in and were called back. I wondered about each of them and their stories... are they like me? What has their infertility journey been like? I hope they get a baby...baby dust, baby dust, baby dust to you all...

Jeff asked if I was prepared for this not to work. What? No! I'm not even going to think about that...it's going to work! Then I asked him, are you prepared for this TO work??!! :) 

Then it was my turn.

I was brought into this cool, tiny little dimly lit room. I was told to undress from the waist down and right then I was overcome with emotions!! I started to cry and as soon as the assistant lady the room Jeff held me in his arms until I calmed down. The assistant peeked back in and asked if I'd like to take a Valium (calming, sedative). No thanks, I'm not worried about the plain, just nerves and anticipation. :) 

I sat in a very upright table chair. The stirrups wide apart in front of me. Oh gosh! I thought. The things we do for our children!! After a few minutes, the embryologist peeked in, clothed in light blue scrubs and a mask. He asked me to verify my name and birthdate on a vile of pink liquid. "Yep, it's me, it's correct."  Then he had Jeff verify it. He didn't say much, he nodded his head and off he went. Shortly after he left, my Doctor came in. She gave us each a cold-bony-fish hand shake. It was kind of uncomfortable... She handed us a small black folder with pictures of our 3 embryos inside. They had all survived the thaw! (Much to the Dr.'s surprise) it was our babies' first baby picture! 

She then told us the quality of the embryos weren't the best for success. One looked very promising, and had even begun to "hatch out". it had better defined parts and a thinner lining. She gave it a 45% chance of progressing.  The other two, (the two that were frozen together) were of lesser quality. They had a thicker shell and less defined. She gave these each only a 10% chance of survival. Then asked us if we still wanted to transfer them all. I figured why not and said yes, all. Jeff too. So we proceeded. They payed me back in the table and put in a little tube. They showed our embryos on a screen, and brought them in for the dr to place. With the tiniest puff of air these microscopic embryos were safe in my body! We could see a small shut spot in the ultrasound screen. There tgeyvere! All done!! 

I felt like I had the most special gift inside me! I rested for a minute, then got up and dressed and outta there! I'm so grateful fur the amazing miracle they're able to perform! I can't believe we might have a baby!! I can't believe we might have 3 babies!! Although the chance is very slim.  I stayed in bed rest the rest of the day and watched Fixer Upper. I love that show! I just have the best feeling about this! I'm optimistic and happy. 

Today is day 2 of my tww. (Two Week Wait) I am feeling kind of bloated, very uncomfortable in pants, a bit hormonal, tired, sore bum from the intramuscular projesterone shots, and having a hard time taking it easy. I can't wait for the16th  when I go in for my first blood draw and determination of pregnancy!!  Please work! please work! please work!! 

First ultrasound! Picture of my uterus and the little white spot where the embryos were deposited. Implant babies! Implant!! :) 

Something special is about to begin...

Look familiar??? 

I am preparing for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) !!!!  I know, I'm crazy, WE are crazy!! But I am sooooo excited about this!!! It's better than Disneyland to me!! This time around, we are keeping it all Top Secret! We aren't telling anyone! We want to surprise our families with an announcement! Hopefully!!! Fingers crossed! Toes crossed! Everything crossed!! We went to see my Dr. in November, after finding out that the cost for a FET has significantly gone down! I had an impression to check the website one day, weird...but you know, we make payments on the embryo and sperm storage, so it comes to my mind every few months...so not too out of this world weird! ;) when we did our first cycle, it cost us about $23,000. A LOT of money!! It was amazing how we were able to pull it off! A huge gift from our Heavenly Father entirely! We mortgaged our payed off car and went for it! I don't even know if we made as much as $30,000 in  total income that year, or the year before that, or before that...?  I know we had to have Jeffs parents co-sign on the loan with us because our income wasn't high enough for us to make the loan payments! But we've managed to make every single one!! We still owe a bunch on it... and I didn't think we would try again until we were all paid up, but now is the time, I just feel it... I am thankful we did it back then or we wouldn't have the cutest little twinner boys we have today!!  Spending that money for our babies was so worth it to us! In fact, I feel in many ways it was meant to be! Back then-just a few years ago, the Frozen cycle (after the initial IVF cycle) would have cost us between $10,000-12,000. But when I looked  things up, the cost had gone down to $2720 plus $500 for meds, and $400 for Dr visits!!! I was floored!!!!!! I wanted to jump for joy!! I wanted to tell everyone!!! Jeff couldn't believe it either!! He thinks I'm pretty crazy to want more babies, but he's just as crazy because he wants more too!!! Haha!:) 

 I called and set up an appointment for the end of Nov. It would be good for a year afterwards, so if we changed our minds or needed different timing, we would at least have that part out of the way. It was interesting too, because at Thanksgiving, my sister Em was telling me she was feeling like it was time for another babe in her family, and I wanted so badly to say that I felt that way too! But I kept myself calm and quiet! Which is good for me, since I'm the one who blows it every time!!! Lol! 

We went to the appointment on Nov. 30th, Dr. Johnstone is my Doc this time. I saw her once before in our 1st IVF experience. Dr Hammoud our first doctor has moved...:(

They did a vaginal ultrasound, gave me a list of blood work I needed to get done at the lab in Logan, set me up with a calendar and the journey to baby #6 was underway!! I was surprised a bit when the Dr told me that we had 3 embryos frozen...in my mind all along I thought we had 2...it's kind of tricky though... One embryo is a higher grade -grade A or something...and frozen by itself, but the other two are grade B and both frozen together! So the dilemma is, do we thaw the A one by itself and hope it survives the thaw? And if it doesn't, we lose out on our $.  Or do we thaw all of them? Then plan on transferring the one/s that survive? But what if all 3 survive? Do we dare transfer 3? If they all take that means triplets!!!! I say thaw all 3 and transfer all 3  --and I do hope they all make it...!!! Jeff isn't so sure, it is more risky...but how could I not? If they all survive?? It's a 50/50 chance for each one by the way....so we will cross that decision bridge when we get there, but I've already made my mind up! ;) Dr Johnstone didn't even seem worried about us transferring 3..which makes me wonder, is it because she doesn't think they'll all make it? Or because I had a healthy twin pregnancy? I don't know ...?

We decided we wanted to do an April transfer...it felt like the right time, after Christmas, after Disneyland, after our tax return... :) But I can hardly wait!! I started birth control in January, I have a very regular cycle, but for these things they like to have it all under control... My first Lupron injection was 10mls and started the Sunday evening we got home from our trip! I continued birth control with the Lupron until the 12 of March, then I stopped taking birth control. I am expected to get my period any day now...I think it's starting a bit today..(March 16th) but it's not full flow yet...And I also decreased lupron to 5 mls and began a 1/2 estrace pill twice daily. I will do this for one more week.  I will call the office tomorrow and check in with the nurse to touch base and make sure things are going a they should be. :) I am blessed to have my awesome man to give me the shots! He does a great job and it relieves so much of my stress! The boys all know what we're up to, but they've been sworn to secrecy! I hope they don't take after their mama and prematurely spill the beans!! They are super excited!! Calvin and Ben and Tommy are the sweetest big brothers!! They all really want a sister this time! They would love another brother too, and would be ecstatic either way! ❤️❤️😍 

Obviously, Jeff and I want a healthy baby no matter if it's a girl or boy! It would be awesome to add a girl to our mix! But how cool to have 6 boys!!?? I would just be the most blessed mama!! I just pray and pray that it works!! I know I would have a broken heart if it didn't. I'd be fine and I'd get over it, but I'd be sad for a while I'm sure... 

 So there's the update on us! Mostly for us to read and look back on! I'll try and keep things up to date. We go to have our ultrasound on March 29th, to check if the lining in my uterus is ready!!! It's coming up!! :) sparkling baby dust and baby wishes for us!!! ✨✨✨

Wallises do Disney!!

We had so much fun at our recent Disneyland trip!! We went with my parents and sisters Hailey, Bizzy, and Alivia, and my sister Emily and her family, and us!! We all went in on a house! We all loved it! It was so much better than a hotel!! We made so many wonderful memories, we had a blast on the rides, seeing the kids light up with the magic and wonder all around them, and even spent our last day at the Huntington Beach! We did our 7 day trip including tickets, gas, and food, for under $3000!!!  I can't believe it! It was such a good deal! (It helped that gas prices have been low) I'm very thankful we were able to go and take all 5 boys! They were the best little travelers and cute as ever!! Here loads of pics!